“Well if it isn’t little Miss Swinnerton.” Jack chuckled, scrubbing a rag over his hands as he walked out of the workshop. “I thought you’re working away in the city somewhere.”
Sarah smiled and let the car door fall shut behind her. It was always the city with Jack, never a name.
“How’d you recognise me.” she asked. “What was I, five last time I came here?”
“Six if I remember rightly. You made a point of tellin’ me as soon as your Granddad lifted you out the car.”
Sarah nodded.
“And of course I recognised ya.” Jack grinned. “You Swinnerton women were always the prettiest faces to come and visit me.”
Enjoyed the voice in your writing.
Thank you. Perhaps check out some of my longer short stories if you like the tone. https://caroljforrester.wordpress.com/2012/05/12/i-watched-them-dig-my-grave/
Sure.
😀
Thank you, I really appreciate it.
I wouldn’t mind a visit to my story I posted this week too. 🙂 http://wp.me/p28tjX-ZS
Already read it and ‘liked it’.
The ecological take was interesting, especially with the gap in generations and the juxtaposition of memory between grandfather and grandchild.
The idea that the grandchild asks what the factory was for adds a hopeful edge as well. As if non-sustainable timber production has decreased.
Glad you like it and i like your interesting take on my story.
And it’s nice to see you liked my other story.
Very good Carol I did enjoy this and I had the sense that Sarah may now have power that sexist Jack doesn’t know about.
I didn’t actually intend for the character to be sexists. I was drawing more from my own life growing up in a rural community where my grandfather was fairly well known and family resemblance got me recognised by people I’d never met.
It can be somewhat disorientating hearing “now you’re a Swinnerton for sure!” when waiting on a table of people you don’t know at the local pub.
great voice in this piece. i can envision the character (jack) clearly in my head.:)
I’m glad. He’s loosely based off an old family friend, well two old family friends who I sort of merged together. They were both friends of my grandfathers.
I loved this line, “t was always the city with Jack, never a name.” It really helped define both Jack and the town in which Sarah was raised.
Glad that you enjoyed it.
Such a great atmosphere about this piece – well done.
Thank you. 😀
I liked that it was always “the city” with Jack. He sounds like a real country boy, maybe with some disdain for city-types.
A little, the piece is loosely based on a family friend and I come from quite a rural background.
A beautifully written, simple story. I can really see all the actions and both characters, really well drawn.
Thank you. 😀
The contrast between the city and the countryside.. So well expressed in the the fact that was always the city.. Never a name,
Thank you. I really didn’t expect that line to get so much attention though, it’s quite amusing that nearly all the comments so far are picking up on it.
Haha can’t believe i read that in a voice, well done 🙂
I’m glad that you enjoyed it.
I liked this piece very much. I hope you write a longer a longer version. It leaves you wondering what happens next.
Maybe at some point in the future, I love longer short stories if you’d like to read them, just check out the category short stories and flash fiction to find them, they’re a little way back I’m afraid though so you’ll have to hunt a tad.
I’m currently working on a collection of writing for launch in April and I’m working on two different novels so my schedule is a little cramp.
Sorry about that typo.
No worries, I think I made one myself in the reply. 😀
Nice. I like it a lot so far. I’m pleasantly pulled in. 😀
Thank you. 😀
Dear Carol,
A nice upbeat and folksy feel to this piece.
shalom,
Rochelle
Thank you, I’m glad that came across.
Great slice of life. be good to read more.
A few people have said that, I’ll have to see if my schedule gives me time to come back to the piece.
What a sweet story -simply loved the little details you added -great job:-)
Thank you very much. 😀
🙂
Carol,
you painted a nice vivid scene here. I like the characters.
-David
Thank you. 😀
I’m not trying to split hairs here but your narrator says “It was always the city with Jack, never a name”, as if she was familiar with him but then she says she hasn’t seen him since she was 5 or 6. I just don’t feel like that is something a five or six year old would notice about a person. I’m not trying to pick and I hope you will accept this criticism in the spirit in which it was given.
Of course. Jack is supposed to be an old family friend and it was an attempt to try and show something from my own life. There are people I never see but almost know because they are so closely joined to others in my family.
Does that make sense?
Yes.
Haha what a cute story. Jack sounds like a real cheerful and fun person! Nice job 😀
Thank you very much. 😀
I choose to think that Jack isn’t sexist, he’s just old and remembers the look of a certain family. I thought it was a compliment about her looks – and some families do have a certain resemblance passed down from generation to generation. Good story too – really thought it was good!