Out Of Sight

‘You worked things out then?’ she asked, stretched out long and lithe on the blanket beside me.

I plucked at the dead leaves beside us. Focusing on their half broken frames. Better them than her.

She took another drag and raised an eyebrow.

‘Well?’

‘Tomorrow,’ I promised, just like I had the last time we were here, naked and damp with the dusk closing in around the empty windows. Teenagers had tagged the insides of the building until all you could see were curses and slanted signatures scrawled across the concrete.

I don’t have to look to know she’s frowning.

fridayfictioneers1

23 Comments

      1. okay. here’s what I think:

        “‘You worked things out then?”
        Hooks us in with a puzzle
        “stretched out long and lithe on the blanket beside me.”
        The words “stretched”, “long” and “lithe” create an illusion of space
        “Better them than her.”
        An unspoken sense of tension and potential violence
        “She took another drag and raised an eyebrow.
        ‘Well?’”
        Is a luxurious expenditure of words in a 100 word budget. You’re not hurrying
        “‘Tomorrow,’ I promised, just like I had the last time we were here,”
        Extension of time into the future and the past
        “I don’t have to look to know she’s frowning.”
        A return to the mystery, which is never going to be solved. It extends into the past of the story and into its future

        Reply

  1. Great sense of mystery and an unresolvable conflict. The relationship between the characters rings with uncertainties and tension. How fascinating to read Neil’s analysis above.

    Reply

  2. This is great, and I also enjoyed the analysis above, what a great way to teach how your writing works. I don’t see much of a future for this couple.

    Reply

      1. It’s going well. I’m still a far cry from anything I could post anywhere, but I so enjoy the interaction and supportive atmosphere. Camp Plot Bunny is a great camp. 😀

        Reply

  3. I was left puzzled, entertained and slightly annoyed by this one. Puzzled by the mystery, entertained by the quality and annoyed it wasn’t longer. Well done. 🙂

    Reply

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