Comments 29

Thunder Storm Man

Thunder always precedes the storm.

Like you,

wild and roaring,

an opening show

with the rest of you hiding

beyond the horizon

where the clouds were darker

packed and swirling

lightening flaring in the rips

that couldn’t be sewn together.

Gone in a flash.


I haven’t been writing very much for this blog over the last few weeks so thank you to those readers who keep coming back. Every time I sit down at the moment to write, I end up thinking of John and he ends up in my writing which is why I’ve been so absent.

I was going to dedicate a post about mental health to him today since it’s World Mental Health Day but in the end I couldn’t face writing it. Part of the problem with sitting down to write and him being the only thing I want to write about, is that it makes me want to curl up and ignore everything. It makes the world seem unreal and unbalanced.

John was diagnosed with a borderline personality disorder a while back but he didn’t tell me until this year. I don’t know much about it, only that in the last couple of years it made his life really difficult and the prescriptions he was on didn’t seem to help.

So he went looking for answers himself and instead of finding them he tumbled into a rabbit hole that he would never climb out of.

On the 30th August he accidentally ended his life.

Poetry, for a lot of us, is how we process our emotions and how we work through them.

So for the man who called one of my earliest, and possibly crappiest poems ‘a work of genius’, I give him this Quadrille and all the other poems I’ve been writing for the last month and a bit.

I miss you John, rest in peace.

This entry was posted in: Poetry


Carol J Forrester is a writer and a history geek. Her debut collection 'It's All In The Blood' came out November 2019. She has a 2:1 BA degree in history from Bath Spa University, enjoys judo at least twice a week, and tries to attend poetry events around the Midlands when she can. Her flash fiction story ‘Glorious Silence’ was named as River Ram Press’ short story of the month for August 2014 and her short story ‘A Visit From The Fortune Teller’ has been showcased on the literary site Ink Pantry. Her poems ‘Sunsets’ and ‘Clear Out‘ were featured on Eyes Plus Words, and two of her poems were included in the DVerse Poets Pub Publication ‘Chiaroscuro’ which is available for purchase on amazon.Her poem ‘Until The Light Gets In‘ was accepted and published at The Drabble and her poem ‘Newborn’ was published by Ink Sweat & Tears. She has been lucky enough to write guest posts for sites such as Inky Tavern and Song of The Forlorn and has hosted a number of guest bloggers on her site Writing and Works.


      • Well maybe the words will be good for you, or someone else on a similar journey to John. Grief is a long and personal process and very different for everyone. I hope you have support around you. Go well..

  1. Carol, pain just seeps through this made clearer by you afterword. I am sad for him and for you. That kind of loss is never really resolved.

    • Thank you for your kindness Victoria. I keep thinking that perhaps I’m dealing a little better but really I’ve just not let the thoughts catch up.

  2. I am so very sorry for your loss, Carol.
    This caught me, especially:
    “lightning flaring in the rips
    that couldn’t be sewn together.”

  3. I am so sorry for your loss and pain, Carol. I know about personality disorders from personal experience and you have captured the brittleness of the condition in your quadrille:
    ‘an opening show
    with the rest of you hiding
    beyond the horizon
    where the clouds were darker…
    lightening flaring in the rips
    that couldn’t be sewn together.’

    • Thank you Kim. John was one of those people who hid all his pain and showed such love to his friends.
      I just wish I could have helped him more.

      • I’m sure you did what you could and he must have appreciated that, even from behind his cloud.

  4. So sorry for your loss and it is rarely possible to reach anyone behind these clouds. Thinking of you at this time.

  5. Writing, especially poetry, is indeed a way of processing pain and hardship. It’s a fine line between writing to heal and writing to wallow. I’ve walked that line a few times myself. I pray you stay on the healing side of that line as you process this terrible loss.

  6. A lovely tribute in your words. I can feel the pull of the wind and rain of life, as he searched for that piece of calm.

  7. This was hard for me to ‘like’ but your poetry was too beautiful not to like. I guess that’s the thing about writing and poetry, it even turns the most painful experiences of our lives somehow beautiful when it’s spilled on paper. I would say keep writing, John would be proud of how far you’ve come since. Much love❤️

    • Thank you Zee. I know what you mean about liking pieces that display someone’s pain. Especially on facebook it feels like you’re liking that someone is in pain rather than sympathising with them.
      Thank you for taking the time to comment.

      • Sometimes that’s all we want, for someone to understand our pain and even if it’s a virtual support, sometimes even that makes things a little better. Hope you are well 💝

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