Almost A Year On

Some days it’s like you’ve only just slipped through my fingers.

I’m still grasping for the tail-end of a thread,

trying to haul you back up, back to me

and everyone you left.

I feel guilty for the hollowness in my chest,

as if I don’t deserve to miss you this much.

I don’t believe I deserve to miss you this much

because I should have realised the acres of spaces you occupied

inside my head and heart

before the phone call rang in from your mother

and every worst fear was came crashing in like thunder.

 


 

For John

24 Comments

  1. I know this feeling too well. The emptiness and loss of a loved one. The pain gets deeper and the hurt in our stomach is unbearable.

    I know exactly how you feel…I’m still going through it myself. 😦

    Very emotional and moving poem.

  2. All of the above, Carol. I’m still up and down all the time since Mum died in January, and Dad’s anniversary is coming up next week. Your poem has touched me deeply.

  3. I was very touched by your line about how you should have known how many acres of space were taken up in your head and heart by your friend before his death. I don’t know if we can know that calculation before hand. Thanks for sharing such a personal experience, Carol, I’m sorry for your loss.

  4. The value of a thing is never as evident as after said thing–or person–leaves us, when we get to see the nothingness filling the hole that it used to occupy. This poem touches deeply…

  5. Perhaps you can embrace the hollowness for what it is…a reality…a space that you did hold for this person.It would not be there otherwise nor would it speak as it has with such a depth.

  6. “I feel guilty for the hollowness in my chest” makes me think of a poem I just posted by a wonderful poet. It is titled ‘Hollow Heart’ and I hope you will read it and think of how loss may be trying to fill itself.

  7. There is such a sense of loss and sadness here. These lines are especially meaningful I think:
    “I’m still grasping for the tail-end of a thread,
    trying to haul you back up, back to me
    and everyone you left.”
    I’m a knitter so I understand pulling that thread/yarn back up….you’ve described that feeling so well with this image.

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